FAT!SO? : Because You Don’t Have to Apologize for Your Size

I realize that someone who obsesses every day about her weight while fluctuating between a size 4 and a size 6 (for the moment at least) is not someone anyone would want to listen to, especially when it comes to recommending a book titled “FAT!SO? : Because Yo Don’t Have to Apologize for Your Size“. It’s even more unlikely that anyone will take such a person seriously after learning she didn’t even read the book herself; but nevertheless, I think any book that aims to tell women to stop apologizing, crying, putting themselves through hell day in and day out trying to live up to a superficial image is a book that women should want to read more so than they want to read a book titled “Skinny Bitch”.

I realize at the end of the day all any woman wants is to feel good about herself, and many women, myself included, get into the habit of thinking the only way they can feel good about themselves is if they wear a certain size and weigh under a certain number of pounds; but what if that’s not the case? What if you can feel good about yourself no matter what size you wear or how much you weigh?

I remember about 3 and a half years ago I was put on Paxil for depression and anxiety. I ballooned from under 115 pounds to 150 pounds. Before that I was already wanting to kill myself for going up to nearly 115 pounds; but oddly enough, with my brain rewired on Paxil, I felt the sexiest I had ever felt in my life – at 150 pounds.

It’s a long story. For a while no one said anything about all the weight I was gaining. They were probably more astounded by all the other things I’d started to do under the influence of Paxil; but then my parents and a sister I hadn’t seen in a while came to visit, and the shock was too much for them. We’re talking the difference between wearing a size 0 – 2 and wearing a size 10 – 12. It was a major difference and they couldn’t believe their eyes. That’s when I finally got around to weighing myself, which is something I don’t typically do. I don’t keep a scale in my house because I don’t want to be obsessively weighing myself every day.

It was amazing because until then I hadn’t realized I’d gained over 30 pounds. Once I discovered that I’d gained a lot of weight, and after the sister I hadn’t seen in a while told me there was no way she would be okay with being as big as I’d become, I became self-conscious for the first time since going on Paxil. I tried to figure out how I could possibly have gained so much weight, and after doing some investigating realized it was the paxil. I stopped taking it and before long I lost the extra weight.

Over the years I’ve gained some back, lost it again, gained some back, lost it again; and at 37 I’m not proud to say that I’ve been obsessed about my weight since the age of twelve, going through everything from starving myself, eating then forcing it back up, taking laxatives, chewing and spitting out food, exercising obsessively. I reached the point where I would pass out. I was severely anemic and while never diagnosed with anorexia was certainly on my way. I went through the starvation and all that came with it for many years, well into my early thirties.

That period in my life when I was on Paxil and happy weighing 150 pounds tells me something very important. It tells me that I can in fact feel good about myself while weighing more than the ‘Cosmopolitan’ ideal weight. It tells me that this obsession of mine is purely a mental thing. First, it’s a choice to give importance to what other people think and say. Yes I had gained a lot of weight but until my mother and father and my sister expressed shock and horror to see me and my sister made the  comment that she would never want to be my size, I didn’t feel unattractive. On the contrary I felt sexy. I had the courage to wear sexy clothes which I didn’t have the courage to wear when I was skinny, because even while skinny, I didn’t feel good about myself. I was always obsessing about my weight. I could never be skinny enough. There was always an inch of fat here, an inch of fat there, or the fear that I’d eaten too much even if all I’d eaten was a salad.

So in my humble view, any book that tries to encourage a woman to have a healthy perspective above all else, before she concerns herself with what size she wears and how much she weighs, to know that how she feels about herself is the only matter of any importance, is of more value than a book that further pushes the skinny world skinny bitch agenda on women.

Buy the book: FAT!SO? : Because Yo Don’t Have to Apologize for Your Size
Image: bejealousofme via Flickr