Just .03 cents more and I’ll be a rich woman

Dear diary, so far today I’ve made 97 cents. Just 3 cents more and I’ll be in the big leagues. I’ll have made a whole dollar. Yay! Yesterday I made thirty-five cents and the day before that I made fifty-four cents. If this keeps up I’ll be a millionaire by the time I’m, oh, say about 300 years old….

It’s times like these I wish I still had my vagina to fall back on; but you know how it is. A 37 going on 38 year old vagina isn’t worth much out there. Look at Jennifer Aniston. She’s a rich bitch. She’s a Hollywood star. She’s got blonde hair and a hot body; but she’s nearly 40 and nearly 40 is as good as being 40, and 40-year old vagina just isn’t prime meat.  Let’s say you started doing it when you were 16. By 40 your vagina has been servicing penises for 24 years. That’s a lot of years of use and guys just aren’t that interested in used goods you know what I mean? On top of it women over 35 don’t tend to have pretty vaginas. Guys like pretty vaginas. My vagina used to be pretty. Now it’s just fat and a fat vagina on a woman about to turn 38 is not an asset. It’s that simple.

So no forex success to fall back on and no pretty vagina. How the heck am I going to get out of this financial slump?