Depression

Dear Diary, depression is a very unpleasant thing to live with. I awoke with a heavy weight of it on my chest this morning. It was pressing down on me so that I could hardly breathe. I haven’t experienced such an extreme case of depression upon waking up in the morning in a while. So what was different this morning from previous mornings? Maybe it was the disagreement I had with my son yesterday. I still had that on my mind when I went to bed. Maybe it was sleeping on the floor. The air-bed my husband and I sleep on got punctured somehow.

Maybe the fact that I haven’t slept in a proper bed in almost 3 years has something to do with my state of mind in the mornings. You’re probably thinking to yourself that it’s a crying shame that a 51 going on 52 year old man and a 37 going on 38 year old woman have been sleeping on an air-bed for years because they can’t afford a real bed. You’re probably wondering what kind of losers the two of them must be.

I won’t try to defend myself or my husband right now. I probably couldn’t easily convince you we’re not two of the biggest losers in the world, even though we both work very hard. It doesn’t matter how hard you work after all, if you’re working at Chik-Fil-A like my husband does you’re a loser right? And if all you’ve made so far in 2008 is $3,718.66 , like I have, then you can try to elevate yourself by calling yourself a small business owner, the fact is, if your business is not making you any money you’re essentially “unemployed” not self-employed. And unemployed people are all losers right?

I’m convinced my money situation is largely responsible for my state of mind from day to day. It is not 100% responsible but it is largely responsible. Not having money is utterly depressing. Poverty takes away your options in life. Poverty plays on your mind and when you’re a woman dealing with hormone imbalance issues that have resulted in actual growths in your belly that guzzle blood like rotund leeches and wreck havoc with your body, it just makes the situation that much worse. What an unpleasant human being I must be to live around. How depressing it must be to have to breathe the same contaminated air I breathe every day. No wonder my son is never in a good mood and my husband is always lying about the time he finishes work. Who wants to be around a walking fibroid? Sigh….

But I can’t afford to indulge in self-flagellation. Feeling sorry for myself is pointless. What I need to be doing is figuring out how to fix this problem stat. I need to figure out once and for all how to change my life, how to make real money so I can live a decent life, buy a proper bed, be mentally able to how to help my son feel good about himself and his life. When I try in my current state of mind I end up resorting to yelling at him and promising him he’ll get his just deserts for going through life with an unpleasant attitude. How helpful can that be? Not helpful at all. And when you consider the fact that it was I who influenced him to hate life and to hate himself by my own attitude of self-hate and anger towards everything and everyone, it makes it all the more unfortunate.

I need money. Did I already say that? I know what you think. Grace doesn’t cost anything. In fact, all the money in the world won’t buy you the ability to handle situations with grace and refinement. That’s something you either have or you don’t; but I don’t completely agree. I think money buys you peace of mind, and when your mind is at peace, when you’re calm in your head, you’re able to be more rational and handle situations calmly. Happy people don’t yell and scream like idiots. And yes, you can be happy without money; but I’m not wired in a way that makes me able to whistle a happy tune while having 5 days to go before the rent is due and being short of the money I need to pay it. When I feel good, when I have money enough that I know I won’t have to worry about paying rent or any other bills for months at a time then I whistle. Then I am a completely different person.